| Nov. 20th, 2008 @ 09:30 pm Love Story. (Babya Just Say "Yes!") |
|---|
Current Location: midnight
Current Mood:  peaceful
Current Music: Check Yes Juliet
I've been fretting over what my first ever journal entry should be composed of. I've been plagued by writer's block for so long, I was starting to believe that I couldn't transform my feelings into words even if I tried. It just seemed like everything I had to say I've already said before. How many different variations could I make of the same words? As history just continued to repeat itself, the words I used over and over became well-weathered but worn out. I was barely living, so mind-fucked by my parents into believing life consisted of two things... 1. doing whatever they said 2. school. I became disheartened and weary of the lonely nights playing video games or reading. My love life? ha. Everytime a boy got close enough to care about me, I would break it off and push him away. Or, just the opposite, I would like the boy alot, he would use me, & then drop me to date my friends. Both figuratively and literally, my pen was running out of ink.
Then he came into my life... or rather... I came into his.
I'm a really random person. I think I was just in a really amazing mood that day & he just happened to be in my path to my pre-calculus desk. I squealed "DOMMIE!" & wrapped him up in a huge hug. I think I shocked him a little bit, but he rolled with it. From that moment on, we were friends. I told him one day that his screen name (which a friend of mine had) made me lol & he told me to IM him sometime. Next time he was online, I struck up a conversation & we discovered we had practically everything in common. Hours easily flew by when I was chatting with him. He introduced me to new music, new lingo, and even a new outlook on life. I began to look forward to our talks online & seeing him in the one class I had with him... mythology.
In mythology, we sat on opposite sides of the room facing each other. I found myself paying closer attention whenever he spoke up. I admired him from across the room & was jealous when my friend moved across the room too. ( Even though she did it to avoid our obnoxiously loud classmate ) I was scared that he would start to talk to her & like talking to her more than me... my history with guys I really liked had proven that they clearly preferred my friends to me. This is probably why my stomach flip-flopped everytime I glanced over at him & caught him smiling at me.
Then came watching movies in mythology. Jokingly, I told him to sit behind me while we watched Hercules. He obliged, even when the girl whose seat he took threw a hissy fit, he didn't budge. We settled down to watch the movie and I realized his fingers were curled over my seat & lightly touching my arm. I leaned against them &, to my surprise & delight, he made no effort to move the rest of the class period. I decided it was time to make a move. One day, I overreacted to something our obnoxious classmate said & moved across the room behind him. I thought it was a pretty damn good excuse & after a week or so of raised eyebrows, nobody paid it any mind. I couldn't wait for the next movie class & when it finally came, I scooted my chair close to his. In the shelter of the dark classroom, I slowly inched my arm closer to his (our desks were already side by side touching). I brushed my fingers against the sleeve of his hoodie & he didn't seem to pull away. Encouraged, I continued that motion, he adjusted his position until his fingers found mine. The sparks that jolted my entire body were welcoming. Everytime we watched a movie, we would intertwine our fingers... I wondered if he actually liked me or if he was just like the rest.
I got my answer on Green Day. I was a little disappointed when he didn't decide to sit with me in the first part of the 4-part environmental awareness presentation. But I found a seat behind him in the second part in the auditorium. He seemed to be happy that I was near him, so when we went to the gym for the 3rd part, I left my friends to go sit on the riser below him... pretending that I was talking to my friend. The details are fuzzy, but by the end of that part, I was somehow sitting in between his legs with my arms resting on his knees & his hands fiercely holding onto mine. No dark classroom. No maybes. Just bold display of affection. I was so thrilled that he was showing some affection back that I never wanted that part of the presentation to end. Of course, it flew by, & we went on to the final part ( the end of the day D: ) I determinedly stayed close to him and scored a seat next to him in the cafeteria. To my delight, he leaned against my shoulder, totally feigning exhaustion & we snuggled. That was it for me. My heart was stolen & I never wanted it back.
From then on, we were inseparable. I was so sure he was going to ask me to prom. I even turned down a few offers from nice guys who definitely couldn't even compare to this amazing boy I was falling for. Then a friend of mine informed me that a girl had asked him & he'd said yes. I was crushed. So, I ended up just going with my friend. I remember the look he gave me as he walked through the door with that girl. It made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. I was so jealous of the girl he came with, but during the night, she pulled me over & said she told him to ask me out. Apparently, I'd been wrong about them. Gleeful, I hurried over to the DJ to ask him to play a slow song before I had to leave. My favorite memory from prom: swaying in his arms as he sang along to Baby, I'm Amazed By You.
He came over the next day, and we watched a scary movie together. Just like mythology, we laced our fingers together... but this time, I ended up laying my head on his chest. I loved listening to his heartbeat (LEMME HEAR YOUR HEART BEAT FAST/ I WANT THIS TO LAST...) We even went hottubbing & just sat there floating for hours talking & holding hands. I'd never felt so comfortable with any other guy before, nor did i share more than I did with him.
It'd be so easy to recount all the little moments we shared together, & yet I dont think I have enough room here. He never officially asked me out, but we counted our first date as the "official day". We quickly became the cutest couple of our high school as people eventually realized that we were an item. He skipped school so that he could meet the high school band at 6Flags after our competition. That's another favorite. Our first kiss was on that day... we had almost reached the tippy top of the Superman ride & i was like "How badass would it be to have our first kiss on the SUPERMAN?" He agreed &, much to our friends sharing the same car as us's disgust & joy, we shared our first kiss. He surprised me by tongueing it on the first kiss. GG. Loved it.
As the days flew by, I quickly discovered just how wonderful a person he is. He was a doting boyfriend who was so supportive. He came to Awards ceremony to stand by me, even though he hadn't won anything. For the school concert, I was to play Bless the Broken Road on the piano with the chorus & where is he? Front row seat right next to the piano bench. I'd never known how it felt to always have someone you could completely rely on & trust. I knew I was lucky. For graduation, he walked down the rows with me & before we turned into our seats, he gave me a wink & touched my hand. The entire first row of our classmates AWHed & raged with jealousy (: He even surprised me with tickets to go see my favorite band at the time... MSI. It was so lovely standing in his arms while the bass made our ears bleed (even though we could still hear choruses of "HAIL SATAN" from the freaks standing next to us)
Then High School ended, & without seeing each other every day, we started to fall apart. Our relationship became based on texts/IMs. I felt as though, by holding onto him, I was being selfish & holding us both back. We were going to be starting college & I felt we should at least have the chance to see what it would be like to date other people. He took it surprisingly well. It seemed too easy. My parents were delighted because my dad never really approved of my choice in guys in the first place. I just brushed it off & tried to do what I had done so many times before... push him away. But, it seemed the more I tried to convince myself that i was over him, the more I missed him. Everything I saw reminded me of him in some way.... such was the impact he'd left on me.
Our break up lasted about a week. I couldn't take it anymore. As much as I knew it would confuse him, I pulled him aside one day at college & kissed his cheek, whispering "i still love you" in his ear. He confessed that he felt the same & that started us on a whole new path, since it was out of the question to go against my dad's disapproval at the time. We became just friends... with some beneficial factors. We were too scared to put a label onto it & lose that feeling that hadn't ever really gone away, but was merely hibernating. It seemed all of our friends found out & knew before we did that we were actually dating. Intensity built around the snuck kisses & forbidden embraces. I couldn't get enough of him.
Except. I was tired of having to sneak around. All I knew was that I was helplessly in love with this unique boy. I was astonished by the feeling after all those months, because usually I got bored with the guys & could easily move on. I couldn't quite figure out what it was about THIS one that made him impossible to forget... Maybe that was why I couldn't forget him. I made one last ditch effort to erase what I felt for him because it scared me. My experience had taught me to hurt the boy before he has a chance to hurt you. I ended it completely online, telling him we should just start over. Try again from scratch. Because of his nature, he quickly agreed. Anything to make me happy. He had to go drop off his sister & we left on a good note. Then, my other friend told me that he was glad we were only taking a break because life wasn't normal without Team Dam. My friend said I gave him hope that there was someone out there for him like Dom & I were for each other. After that, I broke down. I sent a text to my ex/lover/bestfriend claiming I had no idea what i was doing. He signed back online & we talked some more. At this point I was bawling. He was so fucking understanding when all I wanted from him was a little passion. Some way of knowing that he was hurting just as much as I was. I wanted him to hate me so that it'd be easier to forget him & move on. & suddenly in the middle of all of this confusion, he told me he was leaving to go to some WoW premiere. Wouldn't be back til the wee hours of the morning.
I raged. He was leaving me at the time when I fucking needed him the most. I was crying so hard I could barely see the blurred words on my computer screen. I started panicking. Hyperventilating as my heart wrenched & twisted around my lungs & squeezed. I think I had my panic attack because I was kicking myself for ever breaking up with him. He did sign onto his cell phone's AIM, but that made me feel worse cuz he was getting charged for it. So, I found myself throwing up my defense: I got angry at him. Throughout the rest of the night, I surrounded myself with a protective wall of insults & snide comments to him. Then I got the text that nearly sent me into another panic attack. He said that he was going to give me a chance to cool down by turning his phone off. He didn't want to fight with me & that I knew his feelings & they weren't going to change. He added a p.s. guilt trip... his night was going horribly. This made me freak out even more. How could he just shut his phone off?! Didn't he realize that all I wanted was for him to show how willing he was to fight for me?! He was just giving up! I tried to catch him before he turned his phone off, but I was too late. At first, my anger flared & I sent some texts that I knew I would regret later. I remember I sent him one on how would he feel if I decided to off myself or run away? & that was the last thing he ever said to me? A fucking guilt trip? I was hoping that his phone was actually on & he was just biding his time to text back. I was hoping that that text would scare him into texting me back asap. Once again, I was disapointed & sunk into an even deeper depression. I signed back online, hoping he'd be there but no luck. I told my friend what I'd done & she made me feel worse by saying how much of a bitch I was being. It seemed like nobody was understanding what I was going through (except Danie...woot Danie!). i was positive that I was having a breakdown. There was absolutely no way to reach Dom & for the first time, I got a taste of what my life would be without him to lean on. I hated it.
Finally, I got a text from him saying 1. I wasn't going to off myself because of him & 2. I wouldn't run away b/c he would find me. He said he'd turned his phone off because he thought it would give me a chance to calm down (stupid boy). He apologized &, my anger subsided by his text, I told him not to say sorry. It was my fault. I wasn't angry anymore b/c the thought of life without him in it was too much to bear. So, I guess in a way, him turning his phone off was effective. (See babya? don't beat yourself up.) He then went on to ask me out through a text... yeah that's right. & you know what i said? yes. Early the next morning, I talked to my mom about it, & discovered that she didn't care... it was my dad we had to worry about.
So, Dom arranged his schedule so he could stop by the house & talk to my dad about us. It failed the first couple of times (he kept missing him) but the third time was the charm... ish. Apparently my dad shot him down, saying that Dom was a punk who showed his underwear (not true), was rude (extremely not true), & had piercings (true but hot in my eyes... not so hot in my dad's). Later, when my dad was talking to me about it, he was being a total asshole. I was so fucking fed up with it that I was just like "whatever. you may not approve but i still like him" chya finally grew a set of balls. So, my dad said "Fine, but he's not allowed here."
Good game. That night I was supposed to go to a party (& dom was going to be there) but a tornado watch was in effect. My parents put their foot down & said "NO" for my safety if anything. I was about to leave anyway, when my mom called & suggested dom come over for pizza instead. Surprisingly, my dad agreed. I called my new-old boyfriend up & invited him. He was so confused, but he happily said he'd be right over. We spent the night chowing pizza & watching Fringe. My dad & him even had a legit conversation about hunting (of all things!) Before he left, I gave him a hug & we just stood there holding each other for a few minutes. It felt amazing to be in his arms again. I was feeling the butterflies & the sparks just like when we first went out. He made the first move this time around, and gave me our second first kiss...
Things are finally looking up. Team Dam is back together & going strong. My dad still doesn't approve, but I have a feeling Dom will grow on him... because Dom makes me happy. He is my world & if our love has made it this far without dying out, I feel like nothing can stop us. They'll tear us apart as soon as we give them the chance, but we're never going to make that mistake again... rather. i won't ever make that mistake again. I've found the person who I can completely trust to never leave me alone again. Those days of insecurity are over as I look in his eyes & see nothing but love & admiration reflected back to me. He knows all my flaws & regrets but he doesn't judge me for them. On the contrary, my flaws seem to make him love me more (riddle me that batman!) I don't feel as though I deserve to have such an amazing guy like Domino, but by some stroke of fate or luck... he is mine. & I'll be damned if I let anything get in the way of that again. He's my Romeo. Mi amor. My Chico.
love you babya. forever & alwase (o.o)
11.13.08 *this time, with style* |
|  |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
songsketcher's journal
discontent